So it begins

I have started this endeavor so many times before and I have failed, over and over and over again.  This time, in my 29th year, I plan on righting the wrongs.  This means building up relationships, building up myself, getting healthier, becoming more disciplined, and changing my outlook on life. 

It's true: I am a mess.  Just as in any therapy, the hardest part is admitting the problem.  Do I want to believe that my weight gain might be my own fault? No.  It's easier to think it's because of the PCOS I have, but even that can be cured by exercising and eating healthy.
What about my house?  It's definitely messy and not put together.  Really, it doesn't feel much like a home.  It's not so bad that someone would walk in a claim that we are slobs (at least I don't think he/she would), but it's not the home that I want or expect. That's just the up-keep!  There is also the decorating. I have dreams of making curtains and pillows, painting walls, and hanging up decor.  My excuse is that I don't have time. That's not true - I'm just lazy.

Then there is the really hard part: emotionl/relational/spiritual.  These are harder because they aren't physical, or at least not completely.  These aspects of our lives are very individual so what works for one person probably will not work for the next. If it does, chances are it won't yield the exact same results.  We have to explore these paths on our own and that is mighty scary.  And lonely. 

So, I have admitted my shortcomings (in a most broad way) and it's time to move on.  I have decided that a human accountability partner just isn't going to cut it for me.  There are a couple of reasons for this:  1 - humans are imperfect.  I'm asking another imperfect being to hold me to my word.  What if that person decides not to be strong that day?  What if she doesn't want to hear about my complaints and excuses?  A simple "you can do it" doesn't work.  Now, maybe if I had someone physically by my side the entire day and telling me how weak I am every time I'm about to make a bad decision, I would do it.  Alas, Jillian Michaels already has a job; 2 - I have to be truthful to get through this.  There is a high likelihood that I would not be completely honest about my thoughts and actions of the day with someone else that I had to report to.  Why, I don't know.  It's easy to be that way, I guess.  Why is a blog better?  Because I can be truthful without getting in the way of myself.  I'm better at expressing myself through text.  Plus, I can handle criticism much better over a computer.  The fact that I don't hear a voice takes some of the sting away.  The main reason, though, is because I will be able to see everyday my evolving life.  My journal will be my accountability partner. My journal will not lie or get tired of me, even if I get tired of myself. 

My plan: right now, my main focus is health.  I have somewhat of a plan for that.  For everything else, I'm just winging it. That's probably terrible, but it's how I'm starting out. We'll see how it goes.